Studying history is not always serious and somber. In fact, most of the top-notch researchers in my acquaintance have a very wry, sometimes odd, but always influential sense of humor.

Here are a few gems related to the medical woes we risk facing with regards to living history and clothing.

Post-Traumatic Dress Disorder:
That nagging feeling that the dress over which you labored for ages on end still does not appear to meet that undefined word called “accuracy.”

Symptoms include:

• Self-doubt
• Continuously looking and re-looking at the same references over and over, asking the same questions on the SA to anyone who will answer
• Long nights re-doing something that just isn’t quite right
• Re-making the dress or parts thereof several times in an attempt to “get it right.”
• Waking up in the middle of the night from a seemingly deep sleep with a dream induced revelation about the garment in question. Followed immediately by turning on all the lights and piling books around you in the middle of the floor to check your half-awake vision against documentation.
• Some sufferers experience heightened anxiety and pre-occupation with a finished dress acquiring grime or dust, or a finished trim application being crushed or damaged. They can be recognized by the “shoo-ing” motions that occur spontaneously whenever anyone approaches within their 15-foot-diameter Personal Space.

Treatment Options
Many have found S’mores Schnapps and liberal use of copious amounts of good chocolate for temporary relief of anxiety symptoms. There is no long-term cure, though research continues. Research is hampered somewhat by the S’mores Schnapps and liberal use of copious amounts of good chocolate, but mostly, the Schnapps.

One unfortunate related disease is Dress Abandonment. A new, national organization, DAPS (Dress Abandonment Prevention Society), seeks to aid those afflicted. One member recalls:

I am a proud member of DAPS. My turning point in realizing I was a Dress Abandoner came when my husband fished a dress from the trash while calling my friend; together, they convinced me to give the dress another chance, and to realize it is not the dress’s fault.

Plandometriosis:
This syndrome is sometimes related to PTDD, but afflicts the sufferer in the pre-cutting stages. Dress after dress is dreamt of, sketched, researched, and planned to excruciating detail. In many cases, fabric is purchased to complete these projects. However, the planning stage becomes an insurmountable wall for the Plandometriosis sufferer, and rarely does a dress actually result.

Because the syndrome involves no cutting or construction, and thus, no fabric waste or actual errors committed, there are very few related anxiety or guilt symptoms, and chocolate in modest quantities is usually enough to stifle the sufferer’s intermittent musings about “maybe cutting out a project.”

In our next installment, we’ll discuss the twin syndromes, Kliptomania and Kliptophobia.

Contributors include forum members Noah Briggs, Joanna Jones, Denise Butler, Barbara Smith, Bevin McCrae, Rebekah W, Anna Worden Bauersmith, Eileen Hook, Annette Bethke, Amanda Rawls, Amanda Carol, Sarah Meister, Mary Gutzke, Jeni Hulet, K Krewer, Melissa Marie, Carolann Schmitt, Jean, Sarah King, Kimberly Jackson, Cassandra, Michael Mescher, Stormi Souter, Rebecca Roberts, Lissa Wilson, and of course, yours truly, since I just can’t control myself when terrible puns are in the offing.

In our last discussion of unfortunate historic clothing maladies, we discussed Post-Traumatic Dress Disorder and its related syndromes. Today, let us turn our attention to the twin maladies of Kliptomania, and Kliptophobia.

Kliptomania has only one symptom: sufferers habitually buy fabric, pin down patterns, and cut the pieces, then fail to sewn a single section together. Unfinished projects can stack up over time, increasing the risks of Toppled Pile Crush Accidents and Gangrenous Rusty Pin Grazes. Most sufferers have, if not entire wardrobes, large portions of wardrobes in various body sizes and even eras, stacked on floors and flat surfaces. Some try to disguise the true extent of their affliction by boxing the evidence, lining the boxes against a wall, tossing a nicely pressed bedsheet over the top as a “table drape” and calling the whole assembly a decorative feature. However, the success is short-lived: the stacked and draped boxes create a new flat surface upon which to pile other kliptomania-derived stacks of cut, but perpetually un-sewn, projects.

Kliptophobics purchase fabric in dress-cuts or bolt quantities, but are unable to bring themselves to commit the fabric to a project or cut into it. Many kliptophobics spend some amount of time communing with their fabric stash, stroking or petting the fabrics, waiting for the fabric to “speak” to them and give them the courage to cut and sew a project.

Some researchers claim that the application of simple muslin can help treat the moderate kliptophobic, by providing the opportunity to work out dressmaking mistakes in cheap cotton first, thereby reducing any potential issues with cutting the stash goods.

In some cases, advanced kliptophobia is re-classified as Obsessive Compulsive Fabric Syndrome. OCFS sufferers experience the permanent urge to buy multiple bolts of fabric simply because it is “authentic” for their era. In severe cases of OCFS, the syndrome leads to encroaching on the closets, attics, basements, and under-bed space of family and friends. The disease can be fatal if allowed to progress to the point of justifying the purchase of a larger house simply to hold more fabric.

Contributors include forum members Noah Briggs, Joanna Jones, Denise Butler, Barbara Smith, Bevin McCrae, Rebekah W, Anna Worden Bauersmith, Eileen Hook, Annette Bethke, Amanda Rawls, Amanda Carol, Sarah Meister, Mary Gutzke, Jeni Hulet, K Krewer, Melissa Marie, Carolann Schmitt, Jean, Sarah King, Kimberly Jackson, Cassandra, Michael Mescher, Stormi Souter, Rebecca Roberts, Lissa Wilson, and of course, yours truly, since I just can’t control myself when terrible puns are in the offing.

Historic clothing maladies are not limited to female sufferers. The manly set has their own unique afflictions. Most choose to “tough it out” without seeking treatment. We urge all distaff sewists to exercise extreme compassion for the brawnier sex; their suffering is rarely recognized, and even less often mitigated by proven remedies.

Pantar Faciitis
The patient is never satisfied with the facings applied to pants. Said “pants” might actually be trowsers (alt trousers), drawers, breeches, britches, or even, in Naval cases, slops.

One known treatment for Pantar Faciitis is the liberal application of tequila. For Naval sufferers, add lime.

Popaloma
Benign popaloma may be diagnosed when the sufferer exhibits an unfortunate tendency to lose buttons in largely less-vital garment areas, such as sleeve cuffs, or the lower shirt button. Acute popaloma refers to the chronic and sudden departure of key trouser buttons, often while the wearer is in a crouched or otherwise vulnerable posture.

Tieromania
Tieromaniacs become unhealthily obsessed with cravats, and the spider’s web of knots one can tie them with. Many sufferers were former Boy Scouts.

Contributors include forum members Noah Briggs, Joanna Jones, Denise Butler, Barbara Smith, Bevin McCrae, Rebekah W, Anna Worden Bauersmith, Eileen Hook, Annette Bethke, Amanda Rawls, Amanda Carol, Sarah Meister, Mary Gutzke, Jeni Hulet, K Krewer, Melissa Marie, Carolann Schmitt, Jean, Sarah King, Kimberly Jackson, Cassandra, Michael Mescher, Stormi Souter, Rebecca Roberts, Lissa Wilson, and of course, yours truly, since I just can’t control myself when terrible puns are in the offing.